So I joined a gym with a pool. Yay me! Joining a gym is always an exciting and scary time for me. I go in with all of the best intentions one person could possibly have, and usually those fizzle out within a month or so. Actually, most of the time its due to lack of money and lets face it, when it comes down to paying an electric bill or paying a gym membership, you know which one wins.
My first day at the gym was scary. I was so worried about looking like a cow in my swimsuit. Of course there is a wall of windows RIGHT next to the front door, so everyone that walks in naturally looks in. Gotta love the one who designed that. You know what I try and remind myself though? I can either be fat and sit at home, or I can be fat and do something about it. Even after the first work out, I walked out feeling ten times sexier. Now to look at me, you would wonder how on earth I came to that conclusion on day one but hey, I wont argue with the feeling when it strikes me. These days, its so rare.
Ok, the sad stuff. I think after my break up with what's his face, I began the task of destroying what he hadn't already demolished. I have always been a big girl, but this time was different. I have never been to a point where showers became work, and makeup was a chore. I was never one to put my hair in a bun and walk around without so much as one stroke of a hair brush. In 2012, I became "that person". I hated myself. I didn't and couldn't understand why he didn't want me anymore. Or maybe never really had? I felt disgusting, and all of my ego was crushed , shattered. He had built my self esteem. MY SELF ESTEEM?? Lets think about this for a minute. Self esteem, is the way you see yourself? So why in the hell was I letting another person determine my self worth? It sounds so easy and so obvious, but it wasn't. I also lost my mojo. Yeap, no more sex drive. For those that know me well, I have one million percent confidence in one area of my life, and that is in the bedroom. Its strange, its like I become a magical fairy of love, and I have so much confidence in myself. I wish I could have bottled that confidence in myself, and made myself roll out of the bed and wake up far sooner!!!
Awake. Well, yes I consider myself awake now. At least most days. Its not an easy task of rebuilding your life when you feel you have lost so much. So most days these days, I am awake.
Random thought. One day, I was in the house. My kids were off doing their own thing. I got up and went to 711. I went inside and started roaming around. While in there, I realized nothing looked appetizing. Not one thing! I wasn't hungry. It dawned on me that the feeling I convinced myself of having wasn't hunger, it was really loneliness. Complete, utter, loneliness. I almost started crying so I hurried and bought that damn reeces I didn't need and got out! Ha! Yep, I bought the candy anyway. That day, I believe, was a turning point. A very small one, but never the less, a tuning point.
Back into the present. As I walked out into the pool area, in all my glory, I heard a very loud HELLO!! It was the lifeguard. Now I don't know about you, but usually my experience with lifeguards have involved little to no convo. Not this one. He was super friendly, and I cant lie, a bit cute. We struck up a conversation and I asked him if he thinks I could lose weight by swimming. He said YES! Music to a fat mermaids ears! I have always been in love with the water, so if I could get thinner and swim, how could I lose?
The next day I came in, the cutest lifeguard said hello again. I started doing my laps and he threw in a kickboard and said, "Use this" I asked him if that was cheating and after kicking for three seconds with my toes pointed, I realized it was some evil form of water torture. Nope, I wasn't cheating!! From that moment on, he brought me weights, he walked my laps, encouraged me, and I think that this cute lifeguard just did exactly what he was trained to do, and saved my life.............
No comments:
Post a Comment