It's time to look up

Being that its Wednesday, I knew before hand that the cute lifeguard is off. Sad Wednesdays. Anywho, when I got to the gym, there was pool class going on. For the first time I was able to see what one of my friends meant when she said it didn't look like I was doing that much.  Every last person in that pool looked like they were barely moving, however I now know from personal experience, they were in water hell. If water had a hell. Before I could even check in, a very handsome trainer with a really nice butt I must say, came up to me as if he knew me and was beyond excited to see this crazy out of shape woman in front of him!!  I'm never to sure how I should receive such a greeting in this situation. He wanted to train me! Now, I gotta admit. I was a bit worried. This man was built like a brick, and truthfully, I'm terrified of letting a trainer down. If I really think about it, this rings true in many areas of my life. Being around or with others is an instant opportunity to let them down of disappoint them........... Hmmmmmm......... OK moving right along, he told me he would get in the pool with me and show me some stuff as soon as the class was over. Reluctantly, I agreed.

While waiting for the class to end, I took my throne in the hot tub. I'm a longtime people watcher and I find so much out about myself by observing. As i'm siting there trying my best to look cool, another trainer walks by with a couple guys who had just joined. I watched them walk by, and one of them said, " hey how are you" and smiled. Ok, before you judge me and think how lame I am for mentioning this, hear me out. At that VERY moment, I realized that the "2012" me would have never got that hello. The "2012" me wouldn't have dare been in a gym, no less a damn swimsuit, in a hot tub, no bubbles on, in front of a wall of glass, but the "2012" me would NOT have been looking up. I would have diverted my glance immediately!!  I sat there for a few minutes, analyzing this current epiphany. Wow. How low I had been, more then that, how FAR I have come. I had avoided human contact so much, even to the point of a simple hello. Then, with this realization, a wave of sadness and tears followed. I looked over at the swim class again with a different set of eyes. This time, as I scanned the pool, I considered each persons situation. I considered how I have been judged for being overweight,  how I even judged myself! Each person in that pool, has a story. They have a point A, and they are working to get to point B. I bet each and every one of them walk out of the gym feeling wonderful!! Someone in that class might even be going through something similar to myself. Point being, we were all there to better ourselves. What had me sad was realizing how much life I had missed out on while crying over what's his face. what's done s done I suppose. Thank God for that water, I splashed my face right away and washed those debilitating tears away.

Yadda yadda, the workout was amazing. I felt great when I started, and even better when I walked out the door. The moral to this blog is.......You never know what you will miss, if you never turn your eyes up..........

The cutest lifegaurd

 

So I joined a gym with a pool. Yay me!  Joining a gym is always an exciting and scary time for me. I go in with all of the best intentions one person could possibly have, and usually those fizzle out within a month or so. Actually, most of the time its due to lack of money and lets face it, when it comes down to paying an electric bill or paying a gym membership, you know which one wins.

 

My first day at the gym was scary. I was so worried about looking like a cow in my swimsuit. Of course there is a wall of windows RIGHT next to the front door, so everyone that walks in naturally looks in. Gotta love the one who designed that. You know what I try and remind myself though? I can either be fat and sit at home, or I can be fat and do something about it. Even after the first work out, I walked out feeling ten times sexier. Now to look at me, you would wonder how on earth I came to that conclusion on day one but hey, I wont argue with the feeling when it strikes me. These days, its so rare.

 

Ok, the sad stuff. I think after my break up with what's his face, I began the task of destroying what he hadn't already demolished. I have always been a big girl, but this time was different. I have never been to a point where showers became work, and makeup was a chore. I was never one to put my hair in a bun and walk around without so much as one stroke of a hair brush. In 2012, I became "that person". I hated myself. I didn't and couldn't understand why he didn't want me anymore. Or maybe never really had? I felt disgusting, and all of my ego was crushed , shattered. He had built my self esteem. MY SELF ESTEEM?? Lets think about this for a minute. Self esteem, is the way you see yourself? So why in the hell was I letting another person determine my self worth? It sounds so easy and so obvious, but it wasn't. I also lost my mojo. Yeap, no more sex drive. For those that know me well, I have one million percent confidence in one area of my life, and that is in the bedroom. Its strange, its like I become a magical fairy of love, and I have so much confidence in myself. I wish I could have bottled that confidence in myself, and made myself roll out of the bed and wake up far sooner!!!

 

Awake. Well, yes I consider myself awake now. At least most days. Its not an easy task of rebuilding your life when you feel you have lost so much. So most days these days, I am awake.

 

Random thought. One day, I was in the house. My kids were off doing their own thing. I got up and went to 711. I went inside and started roaming around. While in there, I realized nothing looked appetizing. Not one thing! I wasn't hungry. It dawned on me that the feeling I convinced myself of having wasn't hunger, it was really loneliness. Complete, utter, loneliness. I almost started crying so I hurried and bought that damn reeces I didn't need and got out! Ha! Yep, I bought the candy anyway. That day, I believe, was a turning point. A very small one, but never the less, a tuning point.

 

Back into the present. As I walked out into the pool area, in all my glory, I heard a very loud HELLO!! It was the lifeguard. Now I don't know about you, but usually my experience with lifeguards have involved little to no convo. Not this one. He was super friendly, and I cant lie, a bit cute. We struck up a conversation and I asked him if he thinks I could lose weight by swimming. He said YES! Music to a fat mermaids ears! I have always been in love with the water, so if I could get thinner and swim, how could I lose?

 

The next day I came in, the cutest lifeguard said hello again. I started doing my laps and he threw in a kickboard and said, "Use this" I asked him if that was cheating and after kicking for three seconds with my toes pointed, I realized it was some evil form of water torture. Nope, I wasn't cheating!! From that moment on, he brought me weights, he walked my laps, encouraged me, and I think that this cute lifeguard just did exactly what he was trained to do, and saved my life.............